When I was small, my Dad would read to me before bed. One night I asked if he would re-read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe only to be told he’d had enough of ‘Jesus Lion.’ Instead, he brought out a book with a dragon raging above a burning town on its cover. It was called The Hobbit. I was easily enchanted with Bilbo’s journey – talking eagles, riddles in the dark, Smaug – and, best of all, there was more.
The Fellowship of The Ring came along and planted its signature sense of adventure, as Middle Earth’s horizons broadened. I laughed alongside Tom Bombadil. I was relieved when the hobbits escaped the Barrow-downs. I was terrified when, during a combined thunderstorm powercut, my Dad finished our current adventure at Weatherstop with ‘he felt a pain like a dart of poisoned ice pierce his left shoulder.’ I was five, and thought Frodo was dead.
Tales of the Shire review
Publisher: Private DivisionDeveloper: Wētā WorkshopPlatform: Played on PCAvailability: Out now on PC (Steam), Nintendo Switch, PS5, Xbox Series X/S
Anyway, despite quite possibly being the root cause of my nearly lifelong insomnia, I adore Tolkien’s work. Without his words I wouldn’t have my love for literature and for writing. And here comes Tales of the Shire. Hobbits? Definitely like those. Life simulator with farming elements? Yes on both accounts. How would it all turn out though, well. Put it this way: when I was originally piecing this review together in my head, this paragraph was going to end with a Tolkien’s legendarium-themed simile. Something like, ‘It’s as disastrous as the fall of Gondalin’ or ‘as magnificent as the caverns of Aglarand.’ Yet, my heart won’t allow me. Tales of the Shire is just far too tedious to justify it.
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Everything felt promising when I first arrived in Bywater. Gandalf made his cameo precisely when he meant to, the character creator felt bare-boned, though with growth potential and, even if it didn’t, I now had my very own hobbit hole. Sure it wasn’t the best kept smial, but that made it perfect for renovation. Time to embody my inner hobbit! Sadly, as the hours progressed, Tales revealed that while it had many of the life classic simulator elements, none have the required substance to make them particularly fun.
It all started going wrong with gardening. Having played my fair share of farming simulators, I wasn’t expecting any super complex mechanics outside of ‘remember to water your plants and feed your animals.’ While Tales follows this traditional loop, it does attempt to add depth by giving each seed a space requirement. Since you have to purchase additional plant pots, this means you need to carefully consider each seed’s placement if you want your garden to blossom. Alongside this, there’s Companion Planting where crops can have their star rating increased if they share a pot with a plant they like. Combined together, these should create a fun farming system where you plan out the garden to maximise each seed’s potential. So what’s the problem?